Monday, February 11, 2013

Put. That smart phone video camera. Down.

Dear everyone attending concerts with a smart phone that can take video,

It's awesome that your iPhone can record video.  If you are using the iPhone 5, you can record it in 1080p. And if you have the 64GB model, you can have about 17 hours of video.  Plus whatever pictures you take.
But first of all, turn off your flash.  Please.  Performers hate flashes.  If you were up on stage and lights kept flashing in your eyes, you'd get annoyed, too.  Plus, It makes you look like an amateur, like you are taking pictures of your kid's school version of 'Your a Good Man, Charlie Brown.'

Also, it's cool to take video of a song or two, you know, maybe your favorite song, or the band's most well know song.  But the entire show?  Really?  I didn't pay for a ticket just so I can stand behind you and have your phone up in my face blocking my view of the stage.  Not for the whole show.  Please.
By the way, you seem to be watching the whole show on your phone.  You know, if you put the phone back in your pocket, you can look up on the stage and see the band playing.  AND IT LOOKS REAL BIG UP THERE.  Much better than looking through that tiny iPhone screen (full disclosure: I once had a Samsung Galaxy IIs and I still miss the giant screen it had).  And you can see the whole stage, the whole band.  The camera lenses build into your head, more commonly known as your eyes, have an incredible wide field of vision and can also focus in onto specific people on the stage.  If you want to see what the bass player is doing, just move your head a little bit to the right.  You  can see him and in the periphery still see the rest of the band.  That's better than trying to jerk your phone around between all of the members of the band.  It looks like a blurry mess, even with the most advanced steady cam improvements.

When the concert is over, can you stick around and show me the videos where you are dancing and spinning around while pointing the camera at yourself?  It's pretty cool when they do it in movies and on TV, and you seem to know what you are doing, so I hope it turns out well.  Plus that part where you and your buddy were hugging each other and dancing together, each of you holding your phones and recording it?  That was pure genius.  Scorsese wants you to collaborate with him on his next film, and Ollie Stone was asking me if I knew your phone number.  What is most amazing is how you managed to do all that hugging, spinning and filming while holding your many beers without spilling.  Wait, why are my pants wet?  Never mind.

The good thing is I'm sure you will keep those pictures and videos forever.  You've got enough room on your iCloud account to keep all of you pictures and videos, at least the ones you haven't already spruced up with Instagram and posted on Facebook, or tweeted to your friends.  I mean, I know your phone said you were out of space before the encore but you still got most of the show.  It might be time to delete that picture of the hot dog you ate from Wiener Circle last weekend.  You've got that posted in multiple places already and it looks a lot like the one you posted last weekend when you were at The Wiener Circle.

Even if you do watch these later, they are going to look like this (find a link to a really bad on-line video of a concert).  Especially from you seats up in the 500 level.  I bet you think that if you were closer it would look better?  How about this one (another bad link video).  Well, hopefully someone in the front row took some video and posted it on You Tube for us all to see.  I'm sure it will sound great, too, punctuated with your whistling and that guy who keeps shouting out those really obscure songs not even the band remembers how to play anymore.  I hate that guy.  Did you hear the story about the guy who shouted Freebird at the Foo Fighters concert?
Not real ones!
I hope you enjoyed the show, although I can't imagine how you could.  While you were staring at that tiny screen, the rest of us were watching the band with our own eyes.  You missed a great show.  The good thing is you have it all recorded on your phone.  Wait, did you drop it?  Is that it on the ground.  Let me get that for you.  Whoops!  I accidentally stepped on it.  It's all smashed.  The screen is cracked.  I'm sorry, dude, really.  You've got Apple's iCare plan right? Well, I'm sure the iPhone 6 will be out pretty soon anyway.  I hear they are going to put the headphone jack on the side on that version,

Do people still waive lighters in the crowd?
I will say this, though:  When you whipped out that lighter app and flicked it on during the encore?  That was awesome.  I guess people do still waive lighters in the crowd, or at least digital representations of them.  I bet that lighter app cost less than a real lighter.  Of course, you can't really light anything with it.

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