Things overhead on the LA Metro to and from LAX during AWP 2016

I know this is a bit late, seeing how we are much closer to AWP 2017 than 2106, but anytime I can share the joys of public transportation with my rabid blog fan base, I should, right? So here are things overheard on the LA Metro to and from LAX during AWP 2016.

Guy, wearing knit hat and sunglasses steps onto train at (name station), to the entire train car:

“I’m not going to watch Godzilla tonight. I’m not going to watch it. I woke up this morning, ate breakfast and, uh, maybe got high and I’m not going to watch Godzilla tonight.”

 

Guy in dreads with headphones on to cute girl with dark red streaks in her otherwise black hair:

“Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you tell your parents thank you from me?”

Me to that guy after the girl walked away from us very quickly when we got off the train.

“I think you scared her.”

“It’s alright. She got her own,” he replied.

 

Guy playing Three Card Monte to the group of three men holding their bikes gathered around him:

“You think it’s there? I bet it’s not. I bet it’s not. A dollar? Five dollars? Man, I’m glad I didn’t bet, you would have won.”

The same Three Card Monte guy to the same three guys and their bikes:

“Keno’s my game.  Keno’s my game.  Learned it in prison.  Do you Keno? No? You ain’t ever been in prison? You didn’t learn Keno in prison?”

Guy who brought his bike onto the train, put it in the articulated section, then walked to the complete other end of the train car, to the entire car, shouting:

“I might need bike. I might need my bike. I might go for a bike ride, alright? Alright? You, (pointing at random person who luckily was not me) is that alright?”

No one responds.

The former army guy, retired, to the woman who ask him for directions, after he had given her the directions:

“Man, I love the train. I mean used to drive, but it takes like two hours in traffic for me to get up there. Just bought a house. Man, I need to get to work so I can pay the mortgage.  We just put down this new tile floor, it’s this Mexican tile, I can’t remember the name. But we did the tile, my cousin, he did it, he does tile.  We used the tile and you use black grout and it looks cool.  And then, you put down a layer of glaze on top. It’s beautiful, man.”

 

The guy in the Angels hat, to me, as a green line eastbound train comes into the station on the westbound side of the tracks:

“Is that to Redondo beach? Is that Redondo.”

“No, it’s on the wrong tracks.” I said. “They are doing track work today. You want to go west.”

“Yeah, west,” he said. “Thanks, amigo.”

The same Angels hat guy, when he got off one stop before me:

“You take care, sir,” he said. I went from Amigo to sir. Fuck am I old.

The guy on his cellphone sitting across from me wearing pants with lots of zippers on them:

“No, man, that’s done. Tweety bird finished that yesterday. I told you that. Tweety bird finished the toilet yesterday. Yes, I did. You never listen. You never listen.”

The same guy, second phone call:

“Yo. I’m on the train. I’m on the train. That’s why I can’t hear you. I was going to Uber to you. I was going to Uber to you but I’m on the train. I’ll get off at Avalon. Come get me. You be my Uber now.”

The same guy, third phone call:

“I’m checking to see what you got right now. I got maybe two, two and a half. I’m seeing what you got right now. No, man two grand, twenty-five hundred.  What you got now?”

To Laurie Lindeen, author Petal Pusher,  and guitarist and singer of famed indie rock band Zuzu’s Petals, of who I saw on the bus and who I saw during a panel the day before:

Well, we didn’t say anything. I was too chicken shit to talk to her.

The woman with the matted down hat at LA Kings t-shirt, to the guy in the dirty green hat who got on the train with her and who was reading “The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo.”

 

“Sit next to me. Sit next to me. I want you to sit next to me.”

He looked at her. “I don’t know you,” he said.

 

“Sit next to me, you ass.”

 

He did. She hugged him.

Things about Traveling that I like

Last post I ranted on all of the bad things about traveling.  This week I’ll put a positive spin on traveling.

1. Frequent flier free drink coupons.  Beside the ones I earn, I have a few other souces.  Now, before you get all in a huff, I’m not downing gin and tonics at seven in the morning on my way out.  But a nice jack and coke on the evening flight home is great joy.
2. When I get the free drink, and they actually give me the entire can and entire mini bottle of Jack Daniels.  Yum.
3. Food I can’t get at home.  Don’t over think it people.  There’s nothing  better than a double double at In-n-Out burger accompanied by a facebook post of the meal.  My friends who love In-n-Out and don’t get to eat it post profanity laced comments while those who can get it any time mention how much they love it.    Chick-Fil-A in the south (although we have them in Chicago now).  Del Taco, well, never.  It’s just not very good.  But you get my point.
4. Do it yourself waffle irons.  Some of the mid-tier hotel chains entice you to stay with them by offering a free breakfast.  Many are nothing more than a box of cereal, some tasteless cut up pineapple and watermelon and luke warm, bitter coffee.  The good places have a waffle iron.  You fill a tiny cup with batter, pour it onto the waffle iron and in just one hundred and thirty seconds, a perfectly browned Belgian waffle is yours.  With practice, I’ve been getting better at not overfilling the waffle iron and causing it to spill on the table.
5. An entire row to myself.  Remember back before 9/11 when planes didn’t seem to care if they sold all the seats on the plane?  There were always empty seats.  Nowadays, airlines are scraping for every penny with bag fees, ten bucks to check in early, headset fees, snack fees, barf bag fees, don’t even think of asking your flight attendant for anything fees.  It seems that every flight is full.  But I keep running into one except.  One place I fly, the flight there is always full, but the flight home usually has empty seats.  It’s nice not to get elbowed by the guy next to me who is asleep, or have the person in front of my jack their seat back the second I open my laptop.  This week I had the entire row to myself.  I stuffed my bag under the seat next to me, stretched out my feet and kept my books and magazines on the seat next to me.  It was awesome.  Now if I just knew why so many people fly to Oakland but so few out.
6. ESPN’s Sport Center.  I don’t watch Sports Center much anymore.  In college, I watched it religiously.  But in hotels, I start my day with Sports Center, because no matter what time I get up, in exactly one hour, I will have seen everything I need to.  I still want to find the person who thought having news people standing up while on camera was a good idea.  They are always fidgeting and rolling their scripts, and rocking back and forth.  Get back behind the desk.  Make me wonder if you are wearing pants or not. 
7. Fun rental cars.  This doesn’t happen much.  I usually end up with a Ford Tarus with 30,000 miles, and there was that one time I had a Hyundai Sonata where the power steering didn’t work,  but every once in a while, you get a car that’s fun to drive.  On this last trip, I had a Buick (insert).  Once I got used to starting the car without the key and the terrible blind spot, it was fun to drive.  It had some balls.  It helps that my normal cars are lacking in acceleration and are, well, very practical.
8. Having extra time to relax.  On a good trip, I get to stop working at a normal time.  Usually the hotel is close to the office, so my normal commute is gone.  I get to work out, then head out for a nice dinner, with no cooking or cleaning involved.  Since I am not at home, there are no after dinner chores to do.  No taking the garbage out, no sifting through piles of junk mail, no cleaning the litter box.    I don’t have to worry about picking clothes for tomorrow because I’ve only got three shirts with me.
9. Coming home.  This is the best thing.  I know, totally cheesy, but  I’ve never been on a trip that I didn’t want to come home from.  Even better than that is the rare time the flight home lands early and the kids are still awake, not knowing that I’m getting home before they go to bed.  The welcome home hugs and kisses are a lot longer and tighter if I’ve been gone for a few days.

Things that drive me crazy when traveling

Forgive me as I bring out my inner grandpa man for this post.  Here's a list of things that drive me a little crazy while I am traveling.  Most are minor annoyances but still bug.  They seem to bug me more when I am traveling alone.

1. People who update their facebook status with the arrival city the second they can turn their phones back on. (Full Disclosure: totally guilty, but my phone kept auto-correcting Hotlanta back to Atlanta).
2. The weird sized pillows hotels give you.  I don’t need five cold-war era surplus Soviet square pillows.  Can I just have two regular-sized adult pillows?  Please?
3. Regular coat hangers in the closet.  Do people really steal coat hangers from hotels?  And can I have more than three?  Please.   I promise not to stuff them in my suitcase.  (Okay, I once to a hotel room glass when we went to Springfield for our 7^th grade trip, but my mom chewed me out when I got home).
4. The business jerk in boarding group six who stands right in front of the jetway entrance while groups one through five board. 
5. Hotel Alarm clocks.  I used to get around this with wake up calls but now that wakeup calls are pre-recorded messages, they freak me out.  I set the alarm clock convinced I am setting the alarm for PM or setting the volume too low.  I use the alarm on my phone as the backup but still can’t sleep restfully because I fear oversleeping.  Most mornings I wake up well before the alarm goes off totally not well rested.
6. Bad restaurant advice from hotel clerks.  While I know Cheesecake Factory is pretty good, there’s got to be somewhere else for me to eat.  (Full Disclosure: I had Chick-Fil-A for dinner)
7. The same business jerk who won’t end his phone conversation while the flight attendant is asking him to turn off his phone so we can take off.
8. The same business jerk again who can’t figure out how to turn the speaker phone off as his phone starts reading his emails after we land.  Sadly, there was not a spam message that said, “Have a small penis?  Make it bigger!”
9. iPads.  Do they do anything but play Angry Birds?  Fine, I’m just jealous because I want one.
10. That jerk who is sitting next to me in coach trying to read the newspaper who keeps bumping me when flipping pages.  Oh wait, that was me.
11. The USA Today.  Enough said.

Next post will be the list of things I like about traveling.  Thanks for reading.