Daddy Cool

So in my free time I still write, and, as you can tell by the anemic output of this very blog, things have been pretty busy.  Finally, though, there is some good news on the writing front, especially for all of you cool people out there.

I always wanted to be cool and for a few short months in Junior High I might have been cool.  But alas, since then coolness has past me by. 



Me at my coolest.

Until now.

Daddy Cool, a collection of writing by dads, writing for their children, about their children, and even with their children, was released by Artistically Decline press.  This collection, edited by the uber-talented Ben Tanzer, contains stories from writers across the country (and a few from Canada and England), including  <insert some people here>.  Oh, and somehow one my short stories “The Witch at the End of the Street” snuck into the collection here.

The Daddy Cool Cover

Tanzer, well known for his faux media empire, which includes This Blog Will Change Your Life and This Podcast Will Change Your Life, says "I see this collection as a celebration, of dads, children, story, and joy. The joy of friends, the joy of community, and the possibility that even if these things can't be available to everyone all the time, and even if we are all far apart from one another, there will always be story, and that will always be cool, daddy, and otherwise."

You can buy the book through Artistically Declined  or through Amazon. 

To top it off, for all of you in Chicago, we’ll be hosting a Daddy Cool reading on Saturday June 8^th at 7pm at The Book Cellar (4736-38 North Lincoln Avenue Chicago, IL).  The night will feature Myles and Ben Tanzer, Jason Fisk, Mike Smolarek (hey, that’s me), Richard Thomas, Pete Anderson, Robert Duffer, Joseph Peterson, and Mark Brand.  Of course, since we are cool dads, you can bring the whole family.

So, give a read and I hope to see a lot of you at the Book Cellar on June 8^th.

 

Cool?  No, Daddy cool.

NHL Playoffs Second Round Preview and Predictions

NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs Round 2

It was a wild first round with a bunch of game 7s, some upsets and a few teams steamrolling their opponents.  Those Boston fans who stuck around to see a furious three goal rally in the third period last night, including two goals in the last 90 seconds with Tukka Rask pulled for an extra attacker to send it into overtime and the game winner by Patrice Bergeron in overtime, will remember that game forever.  In Toronto, however, the Leafs faithful are probably slitting their wrists after watching their post season hopes slip through their fingers.  Sidney Crosby returned to the Penguins lineup and put up a hundred points in four games as the Pittsburgh bounced the scrappy Islanders.  And something has to finally give in Vancouver after San Jose swept them out of the playoffs.

So, how did I do?  Not very well.  I hit only 4 out of the 8 series, tying a monkey randomly picking the winners.  I’ll do better the rest of the way.  So, wait no longer, here’s the round two preview.

 

Western Conference

Chicago Blackhawks (1) vs. Detroit Red Wings (7)

This is the matchup everyone who lives anywhere near Lake Michigan wanted.  In their last season in the same conference, these two long-time rivals get one more chances to go head to head in the playoffs.  The Red Wings weren’t supposed to get past Anaheim, but no one told them (and no one told Anaheim’s best players that they had to actually DO something in the playoffs).  Corey Crawford was excellent in round one against Minnesota, and the Hawks got scoring from all of the lines, all of this with Kaner failing to net a goal and Toews only netting one point.  I still just don’t think the Wings are deep enough to match up against the Hawks.  Hawks in 6.  Detroit sucks.

 

Los Angeles Kings (5) vs. San Jose Sharks (6)

Why do I keep thinking the Kings are going to lose in the first round?  Why did Vancouver disappoint against San Jose?  The Kings are the same team as last year and Jonathan Quick played well against the Blues.  The Sharks looked good against Vancouver, and Antti Niemi kept up his stellar play.  The battle of North vs South in California should be good, but the Kings come out on top in 7.

 

Eastern Conference

Pittsburgh Penguins (1) vs Ottawa Senators (7)

Did you see Sidney Crosby play in the first round?  9 points in 5 games.  He’s pretty good at hockey.  Goaltending was an issue as Marc-Andre Fleury struggled before Tomas Vokoun replaced him for the last two games.  Just like Detroit, no one told Ottawa they were supposed to lose, so they went out and outplayed Montreal and sent them home.  Jason Spezza is practicing again after missing almost the entire season after back surgery.  Pittsburgh is just too good and this is where the improbably run ends for the Senators.  Penguins in 6.

 

Boston Bruins (4) vs. New York Rangers (6)

Boston’s game seven comeback would be an ESPN Classic Instant Classic if ESPN cared about hockey.  The Bruins proved they are built for the playoffs as their top guys finally got it going, especially Patrice Bergeron, who netted the tying and winning goals in that game 7.  The Rangers were up and down against Washington until utterly dominating them in game 7.  The Bruins solve King Henry and take the series in 6.

 

 

NHL Playoffs First Round Preview and Predictions

It's my favorite time of the year, NHL Playoffs. Here's my preview.  Last year I didn't do as well in my predictions.  I said the Kings could make a run but then I didn't pick them to win the first round.  So, wait no longer.  Here's my best guesses.

Western Conference

Chicago Blackhawks (1) vs. Minnesota Wild (8)

The Blackhawks went half the season without a regulation loss, gave up the fewest goals and scored the second most.  Then can roll four lines and have 8 defensemen who can play.  The only thing lacking was success on the power play as they were mid-pack, but the penalty kill was great.  Minnesota added some big names then still struggled to make the playoffs as goaltender Niklas Backstrom played poorly the last two weeks of the season.  If he gets hot, they can compete, but don’t look for an LA Kings like upset in this matchup.  Hawks in 5.

 

Anaheim Ducks (2) vs. Detroit (Sucks) Red Wings (7)

I still can’t see how this Ducks team did so well, but they quietly earned the second seed in the West without a lot of scoring but two stellar goaltenders.  Plus they beat the crap out people.  They hit and fore check and bang and crash.  As for the Wings, I was kind of rooting for Columbus to catch them, or at least for a first round matchup with the Hawks.  The Wings just don’t have enough talent this year.  Ducks in 6.

Vancouver Canucks (3) vs. San Jose Sharks (6)

This could be fun to watch.  Don’t forget, the Sharks got bounced by the Canucks in the conference finals in 2011.  Antti Niemi was all world for the Sharks this year, who started hot, were terrible in the middle of the season then caught fire at the end.  Vancouver is Vancouver, but with a different starting goaltender as Cory Schneider is number one.  I think Niemi outplays Schneider.  Sharks in Seven.

St. Louis Blues (4) vs Los Angeles Kings (5)

The Kings are the same team they were last year.  The Blues surged late behind Brian Elliot to snag home ice in this series.  Jonathan Quick heated up near the end of the year.  This is going to be a great series with tons of hitting and physical play, and probably not a lot of goals.  Blues in 7.

 

Eastern Conference

Pittsburgh Penguins (1)  vs. New York Islanders (8)

Wow, the Penguins sure played well without Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin and various others down the stretch.  Geno is back, Paul Martin is back, Chris Letang is back.  The only thing that could stop this team in the first round is Evgeni Nabokov standing on his head.  And that might happen.  For a game or two.  Pens in 6.

Montreal Canadians (2) vs Ottawa Senators (7)

How did the Senators make the playoffs with all of their injuries?  Can Montreal overcome last season’s disappointment?  Will the glue and tape finally fall off Ottawa’s bus?  I wish I had a good poutine joke to insert here.  Canadians in six.

Washington Capitals (3) vs. New York Rangers (6)

Ovechkin was on fire the second half of the season.  It’s as if he took every negative comment directed at him, squished it into a little ball of hate, ate it, then went out and scored 32 goals.  The Rangers limped along all season and even sent Marian Gaborik packing at the trade deadline, to Columbus of all places.  Will the Caps keep it together?  Ovechkin is on a mission this year.  Expect King Henry to steal a game or two for the Rangers.  Caps in 7

Boston Bruins (4) vs. Toronto Maple Leafs (5)

Welcome back to the Stanley Cup playoffs, Maple Leaf fans.  Your team overachieved.  Boston is still a deep team, and Tukka Rask played great as the number one and Boston was able to keep his workload light.  Toronto was a little unsettled at times in net this year, but James Reimer played well down the stretch.  One of the highlights of the season for me was hearing the Bruins fans singing the national anthem together just after the Boston Marathon bombing.  I’ll go with the Bruins experience.  I mean, they have Zdeno Chara.  He is tall.  Bruins in 6.

 

Round 2 coming up as soon as round one is over.  Good luck everyone!

 

Put. That smart phone video camera. Down.

Dear everyone attending concerts with a smart phone that can take video,

It's awesome that your iPhone can record video.  If you are using the iPhone 5, you can record it in 1080p. And if you have the 64GB model, you can have about 17 hours of video.  Plus whatever pictures you take.

 

But first of all, turn off your flash.  Please.  Performers hate flashes.  If you were up on stage and lights kept flashing in your eyes, you'd get annoyed, too.  Plus, It makes you look like an amateur, like you are taking pictures of your kid's school version of 'Your a Good Man, Charlie Brown.'

Also, it's cool to take video of a song or two, you know, maybe your favorite song, or the band's most well know song.  But the entire show?  Really?  I didn't pay for a ticket just so I can stand behind you and have your phone up in my face blocking my view of the stage.  Not for the whole show.  Please.

By the way, you seem to be watching the whole show on your phone.  You know, if you put the phone back in your pocket, you can look up on the stage and see the band playing.  AND IT LOOKS REAL BIG UP THERE.  Much better than looking through that tiny iPhone screen (full disclosure: I once had a Samsung Galaxy IIs and I still miss the giant screen it had).  And you can see the whole stage, the whole band.  The camera lenses build into your head, more commonly known as your eyes, have an incredible wide field of vision and can also focus in onto specific people on the stage.  If you want to see what the bass player is doing, just move your head a little bit to the right.  You  can see him and in the periphery still see the rest of the band.  That's better than trying to jerk your phone around between all of the members of the band.  It looks like a blurry mess, even with the most advanced steady cam improvements.

When the concert is over, can you stick around and show me the videos where you are dancing and spinning around while pointing the camera at yourself?  It's pretty cool when they do it in movies and on TV, and you seem to know what you are doing, so I hope it turns out well.  Plus that part where you and your buddy were hugging each other and dancing together, each of you holding your phones and recording it?  That was pure genius.  Scorsese wants you to collaborate with him on his next film, and Ollie Stone was asking me if I knew your phone number.  What is most amazing is how you managed to do all that hugging, spinning and filming while holding your many beers without spilling.  Wait, why are my pants wet?  Never mind.

The good thing is I'm sure you will keep those pictures and videos forever.  You've got enough room on your iCloud account to keep all of you pictures and videos, at least the ones you haven't already spruced up with Instagram and posted on Facebook, or tweeted to your friends.  I mean, I know your phone said you were out of space before the encore but you still got most of the show.  It might be time to delete that picture of the hot dog you ate from Wiener Circle last weekend.  You've got that posted in multiple places already and it looks a lot like the one you posted last weekend when you were at The Wiener Circle.

Even if you do watch these later, they are going to look like this (find a link to a really bad on-line video of a concert).  Especially from you seats up in the 500 level.  I bet you think that if you were closer it would look better?  How about this one (another bad link video).  Well, hopefully someone in the front row took some video and posted it on You Tube for us all to see.  I'm sure it will sound great, too, punctuated with your whistling and that guy who keeps shouting out those really obscure songs not even the band remembers how to play anymore.  I hate that guy.  Did you hear the story about the guy who shouted Freebird at the Foo Fighters concert?

Not real ones!

I hope you enjoyed the show, although I can't imagine how you could.  While you were staring at that tiny screen, the rest of us were watching the band with our own eyes.  You missed a great show.  The good thing is you have it all recorded on your phone.  Wait, did you drop it?  Is that it on the ground.  Let me get that for you.  Whoops!  I accidentally stepped on it.  It's all smashed.  The screen is cracked.  I'm sorry, dude, really.  You've got Apple's iCare plan right? Well, I'm sure the iPhone 6 will be out pretty soon anyway.  I hear they are going to put the headphone jack on the side on that version,

Do people still waive lighters in the crowd?

I will say this, though:  When you whipped out that lighter app and flicked it on during the encore?  That was awesome.  I guess people do still waive lighters in the crowd, or at least digital representations of them.  I bet that lighter app cost less than a real lighter.  Of course, you can't really light anything with it.

"My name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."

Perhaps you watched Seinfeld when it was on.  Perhaps you remember George Costanza.  Hopefully you remember this line:

                "My name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents."

If you don't just watch this:

I bring this up not to point out how brilliantly funny Seinfeld was during its run (and I spent many a study hall passing a piece of paper back and forth with my friend Pat filled with the previous night's episode's quotes) but more to riff off of what George said.

You see, at one time, I also lived at home with my parents.  Two years after college, after living in dumpy apartments, and spending all my money on them, I decided to move back in with my parents for a while, save some money and buy a condo.  I was not unemployed as George was, but I did live at home.  Well, really, it was more like I kept my stuff there.  I didn't sleep there all that often, shuttling between friend's couches.  

During those eight months I didn't date much.  First of all I wasn't much fun then.  My hours had changed at work because I was covering for our building manager while he was recovering from knee replacement surgery and I was commuting a long way.  I used to get to work at 8:15am and lived three miles away.  Now I had to be there at 7:00am and I lived 36 miles away.  I went from waking up around 7:15am and taking my time getting ready in the morning to getting up at ten after five and racing like hell to get downtown before traffic started to suck.  I was not much fun. 

Plus, I was living at home.  Things had changed a bit since my three months at home right after I finish college.  Well, a lot.  My old bedroom was no longer my bedroom.  It was an office.  No bed.  My room had been redone while I was gone, my mom and her husband slowly changing the house now that my sister and I had moved out.  They started with my room, not realizing that in two years I would ask to move back.  They still let me, but instead of being in my old room, my old furniture, my old bed, I was now in my sister's old room.  But they had not redone my sister's old room yet.  Where my room had blue walls, my sister's room was pink.

Yes, I had I pink bedroom.  I lived at home, in a pink bedroom and I was cranky all the time from people at work telling me they were too hot or too cold or so and so parked in my parking spot or I tripped a circuit breaker or the toilet is flooded again, or there's a city inspector here who doesn't know what he is supposed to inspect.

So, again, I didn't date much.

My room wasn't THIS pink.  But it was pink.

One night during this time I was out with a few of my friends.  We were all hopelessly single.  An attractive young lady walked by. At that moment, George Constanza's line popped into my head.  If it worked for him, and he was fat and bald, why couldn't it work for me.   After the girl  passed I shouted "I live with my parents in a pink bedroom."  My friends laughed.  I guess they didn't realize I was serious, so I played off the joke.  Fortunately, the girl didn't hear me.  Or, maybe she did.  Either way, she kept walking.

That started a round of very desperate pick-up lines with that group of friends.  Most of them are unremarkable and totally forgotten, but there was one that I remember clearly.

After dancing with a girl at a bar, my friend Alex (all names have been changed to protect the guilty, er, innocent) bought the girl and her friend a drink.  We talked to them for a little while then asked if they wanted to meet us tomorrow night.  "I have to baby sit my little brother," the one girl said.  (Don't worry, they were NOT underaged).  "Well, maybe we could come baby sit with you," was Alex's reply. Needless to say, the conversation did not last much longer.  Nor did we have any success the rest of the night.  Or weekend.

So, which was worse, my truthful blurting out about my pink bedroom, or my friend Alex's desperate offer to help baby sit?  Truthfully they were both terrible, embarrassingly bad.  But the good news is that we got better over time, maybe not at using pick up lines.  But everyone from that group, that hopelessly single group, is now married.  So, if Seinfeld had made it another season or two, maybe George Costanza would have found happiness.  Probably not, but maybe.

If you are wondering, after eight months I moved out of my parent's house into my my own place.  There were no pink rooms.  Then I got married.  Then we had a daughter.  Her favorite two colors are light pink and dark pink.  Her room is not painted pink.  Not yet at least.

Thanks for reading.

Thanksgiving Family Road Trip

Thanksgiving Family Road Trip

I should have heeded the warning.  Tuesday night at ten thirty I took the dog for a walk, the last walk before she headed to the pet place while we flew off to Florida for Thanksgiving.  The minute we stepped outside into the light fog, I should have known.  I hope this doesn't get worse and clears up in the morning before our flight.

When I woke up in the morning, the first thing I did was look outside.  The fog was everywhere.  I could barely see the house across the street.  According to the morning new on WGN, no flights had been cancelled or delayed yet, but by the time we got to the airport, our flight was delayed two hours, then three hours, then about 9:45 they cancelled it.  I got in line at the ticket counter while dialing Southwest on my phone.  Finally, I got through on the phone.  We tried to get a flight to anywhere near Florida but there was nothing available that would get us there until late Thursday night.

Bethany and the kids were sitting on the floor nowhere near our gate.  When I got back there and told them we weren't going to Florida, Nate showed his pouty face and Abby started crying.  "Mimi," she said over and over again, in reference to her beloved Grandmother we were going to stay with in Florida.  A voice in my head said "Why don't you just drive?" 

"How about a road trip?" I asked everyone.  After a brief discussion, we decided to go for it.  I felt like I was back in college, where we would just get into a car and go, without any planning, without over thinking it.  I've done tons of road trips before.  I've driven to Colorado by myself twice without stopping.  Heck, we took the kids to Colorado two years ago (that one was rough, Abby was still pretty young).  This was going to be an adventure.

We picked up our luggage at baggage claim, Nate and I walked to the remote lot to pick up the car and we were on our.  The disappointing thing was walking outside of the terminal and seeing the sun as the skies had cleared up.  Unfortunately, they still weren't letting planes land at Midway, so it didn't matter.

We headed out, the first big chuck of miles on  I-65 rolling through Hobart and Merriville.  The navigation on Bethany's iPhone said four hundred twenty six more miles on I-65 before our next turn.  The kids both fell asleep in the back seat (they were up really early in the morning so that is not surprising).  This might end up being a totally disaster, but at the same point, we will always be able to tell the story about how after our flight got cancelled and Abby and Nate were crying for their Mimi (well, Abby was.  Nate is a bit more rational now and understands that these things happen)  so we drove there instead.  So we've got that going for us.

Much of this was written while we were driving, so forgive the occasional typo.  It was hard to type while the car was moving.  No, no I wasn't driving and typing, we took turns.

We stopped outside Lexington, Kentucky for dinner.  We figured the kids would like having breakfast for dinner.  We said, "Hey, how about some Mickey Mouse pancakes for dinner?"  They both liked the idea, so we stopped at a Waffle House.  Now, I've eaten at quite a few Waffle Houses in my time.  Just ask my co-workers who I made eat there with me four straight days when we were in Atlanta (yes, that means you Andy and Craig).  I love me the hash browns at the Waffle House especially scattered and smother.  And hey, who has four eyes and three teeth?  The night staff at the Waffle House (there are a lot of Waffle House jokes out there).  But do you know what the Waffle House doesn't have? Mickey Mouse pancakes or any other pancakes for that matter.  Stupid 'Truth in advertising.'  The kids survived on chocolate chip and strawberry waffles and we survived the Waffle House.  Now I know not to go there for pancakes.  Fortunately, the kids got over it quickly once we reminded them we were going to see Mimi.

By this time, my father-in-law had figured out we were on our way.  Bethany had talked to her mother a little earlier and told her we were headed to my sister's house for the night since the dog was at the kennel.  Big Sven didn't buy that story at all.  He send us an email with directions and a guess of where we were (he was within about 50 miles).  He gave us a couple of warnings about the mountains near Chattanooga, and where to watch for deer at night.  We told him to keep the secret and he said he would.  For those of you who don't know, my wife's family is generally pretty terrible at keeping secrets.  We were a little nervous he'd spill the beans.

Okay the road trip continues.  Right now we are about 9 miles from the Kentucky/Tennessee border going about five miles an hour.  It appears there was an accident and all lanes are blocked.  We are moving but slowly.  While we are stuck here we are going to play the license plate game.

States we have seen: Ohio, Kentucky, New York, Washington, Indiana, Michigan, Indiana, Illinois, Tennessee, California, Florida.

The good thing is no matter what happens, we will be able to tell the story about our road trip to Florida in twenty years and we will all laugh our asses off.  My favorite part so far has Abby just randomly shouting "Mommy" every twenty minutes or so.  She shouts it again until Bethany responds to her.  I think its part "Get me out of this car" and part "Mommy pay attention to me."  Usually if Bethany replies with an "Abby," that's all that is necessary.  It's pretty dang entertaining.

Hopefully the kids will fall asleep soon, this accident will clear up and we will get on our way and at least make it for Thanksgiving dinner.     The worst part of the accident was being behind this black car from Ohio that had the brightest brake lights I have ever seen.  There were two circles of dots with an extra semi-circle on the outside and every time the driver had his foot on the brakes it burned that circle pattern in my eyes.  Every time I blinked all I could see was two circles of dots on the back of my eye lids.  The other good thing is the road is very windy here so every time we get around one corner and think we can see the end of the back, the road bends the other way and we see tail lights going on over the horizon.  Awesome!

So the accident finally cleared up and we got to see at least part of the grizzly remains.  There was a full size van that looked like it had been rolled over, smashed and burned.  From the skid marks it looks like it had to slam on the brakes in the left lane then ran across the middle of the road into oncoming traffic.  Traffic was closed across all lanes of the highway in both directions.  It took us about an hour and thirty minutes to get through it.  It was scary.

I took a turn and drove from about 10:30 until 2 am, then we switched.  Bethany took over from there about 50 miles outside of Atlanta, Georgia and took us all the way through to the tip of Florida where we switched again at six a.m., got the kids up for a potty break and got some drinks.  Coincidentally, we hear the sound of a rooster when we got out of the car in the McDonald's parking lot.  I told Nate that meant it was morning.  It turns out the rooster was in the back of a pick up truck, a farmer's truck, Nate told me.  He later told me that the farmer probably had a cow in the truck, too.

We also saw a Hostess truck.  Part of me wanted to force it off the road to see what was in the back of the truck if anything at all.  If you haven't been following the story, Hostess Brands Inc. is going out of business and people are buying up snack cakes everywhere.  Don't fret, someone will but up the Twinkie and Hostess Cup Cake brands and recipes and they will be made again.  Right now, however, you can't find Twinkies or their incredible chocolate Cup Cakes with the white swirls of frosting anywhere.  I looked at every gas station we stopped at and didn't see a single one.  No way am I slumming it and eating a zinger.  If the truck was full, it could have been worth millions.  Alas, our goal was to get to Florida so we moved on.

Finally twenty five hours later, after driving through six states, completely trashing the inside of the van, after only sleeping a few hours totally, we arrived in Florida.  The kids were so excited as we got close, both of them grinning from ear to ear.  Bethany's brother was waiting for us on the driveway and we parked the car out of site of the front windows.   Abby all but ran for the door once she was out of her car seat.  We sent to the kids to the door with her brother. 

               

"Look who I found wandering outside," he said as he brought them in the house.  She was very surprised and excited to see them.

So we did it.  We survived driving to Florida in one shot, without even planning to do it.  I did buy a road Atlas on the way, but for the most part we used the navigation on our phones and the directions Bethany's father had sent us.  The kids were fantastic and although Nate has often told me we should only every fly to Florida, now we know we could drive there.

Now you are probably wondering how we are getting back to Chicago.  We need to be back Sunday night since Nate has school Monday and I have work.  To drive back we'd have to leave Saturday night.  Fortunately, we don't have to.  Big Sven, my father-in-law, is going to drive our car back for us and we are going to take our regularly scheduled flight Sunday afternoon.  He'll leave Saturday and make it up to Nashville, then go the rest of the way Sunday and pick us up at the airport.  So we get an extra day in Florida and we don't have to drive back.  Woo hoo.

Hopefully, there will be no delays on Sunday.  Please.

So, Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.  If you are wondering what I am thankful for, let's just say I am thankful that we made it down here and got to spend Thanksgiving with Bethany's family.  We all ate too much and, not surprisingly everyone was asleep early.  I'm sure this will be a Thanksgiving we will never forget.

Thanks for reading.