Craigslist Writing Gig Ads

While most people troll Craigslist looking for cheap furniture, apartments, dirty hookups or low price stolen goods, I troll the Writing Gigs section looking for, well, writing gigs.  You know, to fill up all my free time (this is where the sarcasm font we desperately need someone to create would come in handy but that's a post for another day).  I found the first literary journal to accept and publish my story on Craigslist way back when Two With Water was the nascent idea of a handful of people who did need something to fill up their free time.  Among the "real" requests of people looking for help with translations, proposals, business plans, grants and literary journals looking for submissions are gigs that are less "real."  Now don't get me wrong, these people are really looking for people with writing skills, but these requests range from the unrealistic to the absurd.  Here are a few types of those requests summarized.

1. Websites digging for free content.   This pitch usually starts out with "New website focusing on blah blah looking for content writers.  Can you write about blah blah? Then contact us.  As we are just starting, there is no pay but we can help you get exposure."  Exposure is a good thing to writers, but realistically you have a better chance at getting meaningful exposure by standing naked in front of a picture window.  It is also very likely you will be the only one who views that "content."  Well, you and the friends you send it to through Facebook, not unlike a certain blog you all love to read.  I know it sounds great, you might get discovered by The Huffington Post, but it's not going to happen.  Trust me.  I fell for this once.  For exactly two days I wrote some posts about the Blackhawks who happened to be on a road trip in Atlanta.  They ended up  here.  There is no longer a hockey team in Atlanta and, as you can see from that page, the collective blog posts on that website dried up years ago.  


2.  College Kids Looking for Term papers.  The headline of the ad is usually "Need help with term paper" and the detailed listing spells out the truth.  "I have a term paper due Friday on The War of 1812.  Looking for sample papers or ideas on what to write."  Please don't send anything to this person.  Make them figure it out on their own.  Remember when you had to go to a library, open a card catalog, find books by subject, write down the Dewey Decimal number then find their location on the shelves and hope they were actually in the library.  Now you can just google it?  Or use Wikipedia.  If a student can't even do that, we should be helping them.  They are not going to make it when they get out of school.  However, I am not against either pointing them to the Wikipedia page on the War of 1812 or sending them a factually inaccurate paper about the war of 1812 (no it was not about the spelling of the word color/colour). 


3.  People with Ideas looking for someone to do all the work.  "I have a great idea and  I just need someone to write it down for me."  What this person wants you to do is to write their story for them so they don't have to.  Nothing good will come of this.  If they can't sit down to write what they think is a great story, they probably do not have a great story.  Trust me, I've had lots of ideas that I thought would make a good book or story that quickly unraveled as soon as I wrote them.  Plus, if it goes badly it will be your fault, not the fault of the guy with the bad idea.


4. Write fake reviews.  This pitch usually asks if you have a Yelp or Amazon account and are willing to write reviews for ten bucks each.  I used to like Yelp.  It was a great way to learn a little bit about a place I had never been to before.  After all of the news about Yelp's business practices, I don't really trust it anymore.  And clearly, people are getting paid to write what is most likely a fake review of a place.  It's not only Yelp, though, and I have seen requests for Amazon reviews, google reviews, just about any site out there. This is just shadiness defined.


5.  Really crazy, whacked out people posting random shit.  These are my favorite but I don't see as many of these in the Writing gigs section as I used to, but below are a few real examples.  They are damn funny.

I am quite sure most of you have seen the rather large green dragon that has been flying over the north east side of Grand Rapids for the better part of a week. I am looking for someone to:

1.) Lure said dragon away from Grand Rapids to a more rural area.
2.) Force said dragon to land in rural area.
3.) Slay said dragon in whatever way you see fit.

No Pay, dragon slaying is it's own reward.
Please note that I am not talking about the red dragon that frequents the area from time to time. He and I have an agreement.

I am preparing to make my debut as Raleigh's first masked Crime-Fighter/Caped-Crusader/Masked Avenger/Protector of Truth and the Innocent, and am in need of a sidekick. Perhaps you have seen my post in the N&O regarding this position opening. I need someone who is available nights and weekends, and who can supply their own costume. I have a car that will be the crime fighting mobile, as yet to be named (that name depends upon the name I chose for my crime-fighting alter ego). It would be cool if you could help out with gas money sometimes, though, if I happen to be short here and there. Discretion is a must as no one must learn of our TRUE IDENTITIES! If they are compromised, so will be our crime-fighting efficacy. This is more of an unpaid internship type situation, so if you're looking to get rich, this might not be for you. Although I would not be surprised if we are presented the KEY TO THE CITY soon after our criminal-foiling commences. If you're looking to fight evil in all its forms and be a beacon of truth and justice, then you have come to the right place. Please send a resume to this post in response. All serious applicants considered. Finalists will be granted a masked "face-to-face" interview in my secret lair, after which, if you are hired, you will learn my TRUE IDENTITY. This is not a sexual thing, although I think we should wear fairly tight-fitting costumes, as we will be scaling fire escapes and leaping from rooftop to rooftop, and will have enough to deal with having capes, much less baggy shorts or something of the like. I should mention that my costume so far consists of a kelly green cape, so that color is taken. You should be encouraged, however, to know that you will be free to pick your own color scheme and costume. I only ask that it semi-compliment mine. I will not discriminate on basis of gender, religion, race, or anything like that- but if someone is pretty buff it is a no-brainer that they will move to the front of the line. I will consider a skinny or out-of-shape person with the right attitude, however, as wonders can be done with a little neoprene padding under lycra! I look forward to perusing your resumes, and all reasonable applicant replies will get a response from me, Raleigh's Avenger of Justice and Freedom as yet to be named!

Thanks for reading.

Jobs Part 2: Jobs everyone should do (at least once)

Jobs Part 2: Jobs everyone should have during their lifetimes

A few months ago I posted about jobs and labeled it Jobs: Part 1.  I bet you were expecting a part two.  Come on, you can admit it.  I bet you stopped reading this blog because you were frustrated. Well, frustrate no longer.   Let's talk about jobs again, and talk about the jobs I feel everyone should do at least once in their lives.

You will never win

Side note: I started writing this right after part 1, but then the Mega Millions jackpot was up over $500 million and all I could think about is what I was going to do with that money after I won.  I would keep my job.  HA, heck no, I’d give notice and go back to school and get a MFA right away, buy a big house, you know, all the things you dream about from the moment you buy the ticket until you check the numbers after the drawing and it’s all over because you see that 2 in the list of numbers and you know the first number on any of the games you played is 13.  Now back to reality.

Retail at Christmas time

These guys never came into JC Penny.

I spent several winter breaks during college working at J.C Penny’s at the Mall.  It happened to be the mall where I had been a mall rat.   Multiple times mall security had asked me and my friends to leave the mall, each time for something new (being too loud, taking pictures in stores, generally being pain-in-the-ass teenagers, and sitting on the grass outside Child World—not sure what we did wrong there).  So getting adjusted to working at the mall and sitting in the food court watching the next generation of mall rats roaming the mall and not buying anything was not fun.  I'd pull into the mall parking lot at eight thirty in the morning and park behind the yellow line drawn across the parking lot that delineated the parking spots for the customers from the ones for us working stiffs, passing through the employee entrance, all bags checked by the “Loss Prevention” team.  Oh, and I had to wear dress pants, dress shirts and a tie, all of this for a whopping four dollars and eighty cents an hour. (Note: the first time I wore a tie at my current job, they asked me who died.  Unfortunately for the person who asked, I had come from my great Aunt Eileen's funeral that morning.) I worked in the children’s department and it was a big season for Barney.  You know, the giant purple dinosaur who seemed to be everywhere that year. I spent one entire shift stocking the Barney displays all over the store.   Literally, a nine hour shift where all I did was stack fifteen inch stuffed purple dinosaurs into every available free space throughout the store.  At one point, the store manager helped me stack them into a display on the first floor, right by the entrance to the mall.  After that season, I never wanted to see Barney again.  For Christmas that year, my mother bought me one of those very Barneys.  Sometimes my mother is funny.  That Barney was accidentally destroyed maliciously.

And while Barney was awful, the worst thing to happen to me there happened right before Christmas.  I spent nearly an hour helping this older woman out picking clothes for her grandson. She'd take something off the rack, look it over for any marks or spots, ask if we had it in a different color then put it back and take something else.  I kept running back to the register to check out other customers before racing back to this woman. After it was all done, she’d spend about a hundred dollars and she thanked me for all of my help.  I felt good. The very next day, she was in again, but she was not shopping.  She was returning everything from the day before.  Everything!

Returns are just part of the fun. During Christmas time, the stores are packed, especially the last weekend before Christmas.  There are more people in malls that weekend than the entire month of February (I totally just made this up but it seems plausible).  And when a lot of people are in stores, there is less room to move around and people generally get agitated by other people being around them.  And people complain that the one thing they came for is already sold out.  And you explain that the item has been on sale for three days and it was a very popular item and that's why it is gone.  And, no, there aren't more in the back.  BECAUSE THERE ISN'T A BACK.  Seriously, I never saw any back room at JC Penny.  There was this gigantic elevator by the loading dock where the deliveries were unloaded, placed on racks then taken to the floor.  But there was no merchandise stored except what was out there.  And yelling at me isn't going to make it so there is a back that miraculously contains the pair of brown corduroy pants you are looking for.  Please stop yelling at me.  Please.

Someone at a record company thought this was a good idea

Do you like Christmas music?  I used to, until I worked retail during Christmas.  It turns out there is more awful Christmas music than there is good Christmas music.  And awful Christmas music must be cheaper for stores to play, because that's all we would hear.  Plus, the same three hours of music would repeat.  By Christmas Eve, I could tell you when stale, cheerless version of "Jingle Bells," was about to start, followed by the instrumental all flute version of "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas."  And you can't escape. I'd go to the employee lounge on my breaks and sucked down a can of Dr. Pepper and the music played in the break room.  I'd go to the food court and the music would play there.  I'd go to the bathroom and even in the bathroom I could hear "Silver Bells."  The manager on my floor said that I would get used to the music and eventually I wouldn't hear it.  He had been working retail for ten years.  I knew then I wouldn't make it past New Year's Day.

I haven't worked retail since then, but I make sure I treat those who do better.  For many of them, this is just a job to make some money, not a career.  And while there are some people working in retail who are bad at their jobs, yelling at them won't help.  So treat them nice.  They are likely making minimum wage and dreaming of being anywhere but at that store.  And, please, while you are at the checkout, don't sing along to the Christmas Music.  They hate that.  

Sadly, the mall I used to work at is gone and has been replaced with one of those trendy "lifestyle" malls, whatever that means.  I miss you Randhurst.

Next time, the second job everyone should do: Customer Service.

Thanks for reading.

Orange Moon and Complaints, Complains, Complaints

I was going to write something about the beautiful orange full moons we've had in the night sky this week, but it has been a billion degrees in Chicago and I'm an idiot and didn't take any days off around the holidays.  So instead of finding words that rhyme with orange  I am going to use this time to complain.

This was in the sky all week long but it was too friggin' hot even at night to be outside looking at it.

To the parents in my kid's gym class: I know weekends are busy and you probably have a lot of things to do like hit the grocery store, mow the lawn, and get the fence stained.  But during you toddler and parent gym class, it is okay to put down you phone and actually pay attention to what you child is doing, even if it just for an hour.  Seriously, Facebook can wait.  You can read Kevin Smith's dirty tweets about his wife tonight after your kids are asleep. Watch your kids try to do a forward roll.  Actally look at them when they are on the balance beam instead of sneaking a look down at your iPhone to see if your cousin finally took her turn in your epic game of Words With Friends.  You might see you child is having fun, or tackling other kids.  So please, for on hour, just leave the phone in your pocket or in your purse, pretend its the late 1980s when no one had smart phones and find that perfect balance between helicopter parent and completely ignoring your kid parent.  I think they are going to have to update the phrase to "Life is what happens when you are busy looking at your smartphone."

They never look this nice

To the person who first decided to pull their shopping cart while standing next to it instead of pushing it from behind while in the grocery store: I hate you.  Everyone now thinks this is a great idea, I'm not sure why, but unless grocery stores double the width of their aisles (and I doubt this will happen) all you are doing is making me spend more time in the grocery store.  It seems that you also move slower when moving this way.  That might be because there is no handle on the side of the grocery cart, so maybe it is harder to maneuver.  The good thing is you are always paying attention to others around you and you quickly move aside when someone is coming towards you, or trying to pass you.  Oh, wait, you aren't paying attention.  You are on your phone, only the corner of your bluetooth headset visible, talking to your sister, about nothing at all, but talking loud enough for me to hear ever work as I bump my card in to the Spaghettios while trying to squeeze past you.  I said, "Pardon me," but you didn't hear me.  I said it again, but maybe you didn't understand me. I gave up turned around and went the long way around to the next aisle where we did the whole thing over again.  Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way.  Maybe I need to lobby the shopping cart industry.  Maybe you are onto something.  There hasn't been a significant breakthrough in shopping cart technology since they added a fourth wheel, you know the one that never wants to go the same direction as the other three.  The only advances since I was a kid were the seat belts, which are always broken, and the advertising signs on the front of the card.  Maybe someone can redesign the cart so you push it from the side but it wraps completely around you so two of them can fit down the aisle.  Maybe I just need to try using the card this way myself.  Maybe I won't understand it until I try it.  Okay, I tried it.  I don't get it.  All it does is make me turn around all the time to see what I am bumping into.  Please, stop.  I beg you.

The burned out shells of these litter my yard

To the residents of my neighborhood who like to celebrate Independence Day starting around early June all the way through August: Please stop.  I like fireworks as much as the next guy.  I like celebrating the founding of our country by blowing up my own little piece of it.  Hell, we used to stop at Krazy Kaplan's (the animated gif on the Krazy Kaplan's website is timeless, but not in the good way you might use the word timeless, more like stuck in time.  Hey Krazy Kaplan's: 1997 called and they want their animated gif back!) anytime we were in Indiana and load up on the three for one specials.  We even got caught setting them off once.  Well, Bill did.  Everyone else got away.  I love your awesome three hour spectacle on actual Independence Day.  Hell, even on July 3, go nuts. It's my mom's birthday and  least I don't have to get up and go to work on the Fourth.  But once the fourth has passed us by, once Taste of Chicago has closed, once most people have to go back to work, can you tone it down?  Please?  I've got little kids, and, thankfully now, they are not the light sleepers they once were but I'd like them to be able to sleep without booms going off every night.  I know I can't call the police on you because, well, you ARE the police, or the son of a cop, or the nephew of a cop, but please, can we shorten firework season to just a couple of weeks?  I know you don't have to get up early, but tomorrow morning I might pull my car into your driveway and lay on the horn for ten minutes when I leave for work at six thirty.

I promise something less curmudgeonly next time.  Thanks for reading.

A Very Serious Problem

 I come to you today to discuss a very serious problem.  Not my own problem, mind you, but a problem that afflicts man males, including children, adults and even those know it all teenagers.  Its causes are unknown, its cure is elusive and it inflicts an estimated loss on our economy of nearly $1 billion (Note: this figure totally made up and may not reflect actual loss).  It does not discriminate by race, religion, height or hair color and afflicts both poor and affluent people.  And it causes great pain and embarrassment to its victims.

If you haven't guess by now, and judging by the perplexed reflections I'm seeing in your computer or smart phone screen, you haven't, I am talking about Male Urinal Streamaphobia, or MUS for short.  For those unfamiliar with MUS, it is NOT totally fake and made up.  Let me describe it for you with two real world examples.

This cost 10 cents more than a small

Image you’ve been trapped in a staff meeting/in a car for two hours and during that time you drank a pot of coffee/ a Big Gulp's worth of pop.  Imagine for the last twenty minutes of the meeting/car ride you've been crossing your legs, watching your eyes turn yellow as they fill up with urine.  You ask are there any more agenda items/ when can we stop next but you notice a sign that says next exit 20 miles/ three more agenda items.  Holding in your pee takes the strong contraction of every muscle in your body and even though music is playing / your boss is talking all you hear in your head is "I gotta pee!  I gotta pee!  I gotta pee."   If you were a dog, you'd be at the back door barking.  Finally, you see the rest stop sign /  your boss has finished his final "One more thing" and you leave the keys in the ignition / your coffee cup and notes on the conference room table and you hurry, nay, you  sprint to the bathroom.  You sneak around fat tourists/ Carl from accounting and race through the door, careful not to touch anything / talk to anyone.  You open the door.  The bathroom is empty and you step up to the first urinal, open your fly / flip your tie up over your shoulder and get ready to unleash the fury of what you been holding in for so long.

Carl from Accouting

But then in walks the fat tourist / Carl from accounting and even though there are six other filthy / clean urinals, the fat tourist / Carl from accounting decide to sidle up in the urinal next to you.  If you are lucky, the urinals at least have a metal divider hung between them and the fat tourist / Carl from accounting keep their eyes focus forward and their mouth shut.  If you are unlucky, there are no dividers and your feet are touching the fat tourist's / Carl from accounting's feet and the fat tourist / Carl from accounting start talking to you like you are best friends.  At least Carl knows your name.

And then, you can't go.  You know you need to, you know you have to and you are trying everything to push out that urine.  You are, in fact, telling your brain and all of your muscles to expel urine from your bladder, out through your urethra and into this urinal that looks like it was last cleaned three years ago / earlier today, but the stream is dry like the Las Vegas River in summer. 

The Las Vegas River

That, ladies and gentlemen, is MUS in a nutshell.  It goes by other names, as well, and is most commonly referred to as stage fright.

Now let me reiterate: I do not have this problem, but one of my close friends, let's call him Ekim, does.  When we go to a Cubs game at Wrigley Field, he bypasses Wrigley's famous bathroom troughs and head for a regular toilet stall.  He misses entire innings of games, which this season isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Most efficient and dirtiest bathrooms ever.

So far there has been little research into the causes for MUS and even less research has been spent finding a cure.  A Google search turns up no websites…. Wait a second.  This was supposed to be a joke, but there is something called Shy Bladder Syndrome, or Paruresis which sounds a lot like MUS.  Holy crap, this is on Wikipedia, it has to be real.

"People with Shy Bladder Syndrome may experience urinary hesitancy in public restrooms or in locations where they believe people may walk in on them of overhead them as they urinate.

Wow, this turned out to be the worst blog post ever.  But now that this is real I, er, my friend Ekim might just apply for disability benefits.

Thanks for reading.

Two With Water Issue 2 Release Party

It's finally here! if you remember back to my post from January 1, 2011, one of my short stories, "Moose and the Virgin Mary," was accepted for publication.  And that day is finally here.


It's the Two With Water Issue 2 Release Party.  Sunday, May 20, 2012 at Beauty Bar (1444 W. Chicago Avenue, Chicago, IL).  The fun kicks off at 7pm and the party rolls until 10:00pm.


We've got a night full of readings, including Jeffrey Brown, Mairead Case, April Galarza, some guy named Mike Smolarek, Keith Buzzard, Sondra Morin and Bobby Evers.


But wait, there's more.  Music by Michael Mroz and Panda Riot.


Enticed yet?  How about hosted cocktails from 7-8pm by Jack Daniels Honey.

The new issue of TWW is here!

All of this for a $5 suggested donation at the door to support Two With Water.

Hope to see you there.  And for those of you who can't make it, I'll let you know where you can pick up your copy of Two With Water Issue 2 next week.

Thanks for reading.

NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs Round 2 Predictions

NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs-Round 2 (Conference Semifinals)

Round 2 is already begun and now it's time for thoughts on what happened in round 1 and what to expect in round 2.

First of all, how did I do?  Well, not very well.  I got the monkey score, 4-8 (for those of you who did not have Saul Ploplys for high school physics, the monkey is the score a monkey would get on a test if he randomly guessed the answers).  Fortunately for me, the experts didn't fare much better.  Only 4 did better, 4 the same and 4 even did worse.  To put that into perspective, a monkey did as well or better than eight out of the twelve experts (and me).

Things of note in the first round:  There were a lot of overtime games, including 5 straight between the Blackhawks and the Coyotes, three of them ending in pain for Hawks fans.  There were a million suspensions, dirty hits and dumb plays and it was getting hard to stomach at times.  I f Shea Weber just would have gotten more than the meager $2,500 fine he received for slamming Henrik Zetterberg's head into the glass after the game had ended, maybe things wouldn't have gotten out of hand.  And maybe the referees need a suspension or two, especially after the missed not one, not two, but THREE SEPARATE PENALTIES on Raffi Torres's hit to Marian Hossa.  Here's how you know the rules are messed up: Shea Weber gets just a  $2,500 fine for his act against Zetterberg and Joel Quinnville earns at $10,000 fine for saying the officiating was "horrendous."  Words stronger than actions?  Let's get this ironed out, NHL.

For the second straight year the Hawks get knocked out in the first round, so I went on hockey hiatus for a week.  But now I am back for my round 2 predictions, again, trying to top the ESPN experts.

Western Conference Semifinals

St. Louis Blues vs. Los Angeles Kings

My friends in St. Louis are probably going to be upset with me, but there is something about the Kings right now that makes it hard to pick against them.  If you would have asked me this question ten days ago, I might have picked the Blues.  The Blues dominated the Sharks, who were an average team this year, and the Kings destroyed the Canucks, limiting them to a handful of goals over their five game series.  Jonathan Quick has been incredible.  Overall the teams are very similar, great goaltending, strong defense and just enough scoring to win.  I think the Kings are just a little bit better right now.  Kings in 7

Phoenix Coyotes vs.  Nashville Predators

Mike Smith is the main reason the Coyotes ousted the Blackhawks in the first round, but there were a lot of other reasons, too.  They won the puck battles, they blocked shots, and they played well short-handed.  The Preds looked good against the Wings (a team that clearly needs some changes in the off season) and I still think they have what it takes.  This is Nashville's best chance, and with their slew of impending free agents, it might be their only chance.  If they can score early and hold the lead, they can hold off Phoenix.  The Coyotes barely trailed at all in the first round and were able to bounce back three times after giving up late game leads to win, so you don't want to be trailing them late in the game.  Nashville in 7.

Eastern Conference Semifinals

New York Rangers vs. Washington Capitals

I still can't figure out how the Caps came back to knock of the Bruins, but they did, with Ovechkin's minutes down.  The Bruins got spotty play from Tim Thomas and Braden Holtby played well for the Caps.  Holtby has now played more games in the playoffs than he did during the regular season.   The Rangers were pushed to a seventh game before taking out the scrappy Ottawa Senators.  My money is on the Blue shirts.  Rangers in 7.

Philadelphia Flyers vs. New Jersey Devils

It took back to back overtime wins for New Jersey to KO the Panthers in the first round (Panthers fans got used to seeing their team lose in overtime/shootouts late in the season), while Philadelphia was on fire in the first round against the heavily favored Penguins in a wild series.  Pittsburgh played dumb, couldn't stay out of the box, couldn't keep the puck out of the net when they were shorthanded and now their season is over (PHI was 12/25 on the power play).  Some of the Flyers who had average regular seasons have come alive in the playoffs (Danny Briere I am looking at you).  It's not often you give up four and a half goals a game in the playoffs and win the series but the Flyers did that in the first round .  Unless Marty Brodeur jumps into the way back machine and channels his 1995 self, Flyers in 7.

Thanks for reading.  See you for the Conference finals.

NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs Round 1 Predictions

Who will get to drink from Lord Stanley's cup, or perhaps drop it in a pool.

With the NHL playoffs starting, it’s time to step away from our regularly schedule blog to talk Stanley Cup playoffs.  I’ll give you my take on the playoffs and who is going to win as I try to out-expert the ESPN hockey experts.

First a few notes: four teams from the Central division made the Western conference playoffs.  In both conferences, the 3^rd division winner would have earned the 7^th seed if seeding were based on season points.  And it sure seemed like no one wanted to win the Southeast.  Now let the best tournament in professional sports begin.

Eastern Conference

#1 Seed NY Rangers vs. #8 Seed Ottawa Senators

Someone forgot to tell the Senators they weren’t supposed to make the playoffs, so they found a way to make it in a year after breaking up their aging team and missing the playoffs.  They are only a few years removed from a Stanley Cup finals appearance.  Don’t expect too much from the Senators against the Rangers, who have been one of the top teams all season long.  They play solid defense and have all-world goaltender Henrik Lunqvist.  This series should be short.  Rangers in 5.

#2 Seed Boston Bruins vs. #7 Seed Washington Capitals

Last year’s Stanley Cup champs quietly snagged the second seed in the East.  The lineup is deep and tough, but Tuukka Rask is not likely to play and the ageless Tim Thomas struggled down the stretch.  As for the Caps, they had a chance to snag the Southeast Division crown and the third seed as the Florida Panthers falter down the stretch, but couldn’t get it together until the last few games and were unable to catch the Panth.  Fact: the Caps had a lower winning percentage after Bruce Boudreau got the axe than while he still was in charge.  They have goaltending issues themselves, but cannot match the Bruins anywhere else.  Unless Ovechkin hoists the Caps on his back, Bruins in six.

#3 Florida Panthers vs. #6 New Jersey Devils

The Panthers tried their best to back out of the playoffs, lost eight of their last ten including blowing a 3-0 lead against Winnipeg to lose 5-4 in OT when I was in attendance last week, but held off the Caps to clinch the 3^rd seed and make the playoffs for the first time since 2000.   The Devils overcame a slow start, including a rough first half of the season by goaltender Martin Brodeur to crack the century mark in points as their younger players stepped up and some old stalwarts had good seasons.  My heard says pick the Panthers, hoping they can recapture the magic from their run to the finals in 1996, but my head says Devils in six.

#4 Pittsburgh Penguins vs. #5 Philadelphia Flyers

Concussions.  Fights.  Coaches standing up on the dashers calling each other out.   Malkin, Crosby, Staal, Letang, and Fleury.  Claude Giroux, Hartnall, Jagr and Bryzgalov.   This is the series everyone wants to see.  The Penguins survived a ton of injuries this season and are playing their best hockey of the year.  Evgeni Malkin will win the Hart trophy as MVP, and, oh yeah, Sidney Crosby is healthy and racking up points faster than anyone else.  Thrown on Marc Andre Fleury setting franchise records for career wins and wins in a season, and a team with a ton of playoff experience, and its easy to see why this team is the top pick to win the Cup.  But don’t sell the Flyers short.  Just eight months after trading away Mike Richards and Jeff Carter, and losing Chris Pronger for the season, the Flyers are back in the thick of things, with Claude Giroux having a breakout season.  Goaltending has been up and down for the Flyers and they are wondering which Ilya Bryzgalov will show up for the playoffs.  This will be a great series.  Pens in seven.

Western Conference

#1 Vancouver Canucks vs. #8 Los Angeles Kings

Vancouver caught fire the last few weeks of the season to clinch the President’s trophy.  They are deep, skilled, and experienced.  Daniel Sedin returned to practice this week and will play.  Ryan Kesler plays the type of game that gets noticed more in the playoffs, but the questions are about Bobby Lou.  I think Luongo will be on a short leash, as backup Corey Schneider has played excellent this season.  The Kings had a chance to with the Pacific and sew up a 3 seed but came up short the last week.  Jamie Quick has been unbelievable at times this season.  If he gets hot and Luongo falters and the Canucks get their confidence shaken, the Kings can steal this series, especially if they get ahead early.  Canucks in seven.

#2 St. Louis Blues vs. #7 San Jose Sharks

I remember when the Blues past the Blackhawks in the standings in February and I thought “Hey, where did they come from.”  Then I saw them dominated a game against the Hawks, hitting like crazy and jumping all over every loose puck.  Ken Hitchcock, no doubt winner of the Jack Adams coach of the year award, got these guys humming after the Blues fired Davis Payne.  They have no superstars, but a lot of great players—David Backes, David  Perron, T.J. Oshie, Alex Pietrangelo--  and by far the best goaltending this season.  Both Jaroslav Halak and Brian Elliot had GAA’s below 2.00 this season.  San Jose got hot the last week not only to clinch a spot but to sneak past the Kings into the seventh slot.  Other than that, they are a mess.  Joe Thornton’s point totals were down, Martin Havlat was hurt for most of the season--surprise, surprise—they are not very deep, they are thin on D and are maddeningly inconsistent.  Blues in six.

#3 Phoenix Coyotes vs. #6 Chicago Blackhawks

Still adrift while looking for new ownership, the Coyotes quietly won their division riding Mike Smith’s incredible play over the last two weeks of the season.  Ray Whitney, at almost age 40, led the team in scoring and former Blackhawk Radim Vrbata eclipsed the 30 goal mark.  They play solid team defense but don’t score much.  The Hawks were the top team in the west until their nine game losing streak in February and survived the loss of Jonathan Toews while he was out with a concussion.  They hope to have him back for the playoffs, but more importantly need Corey Crawford to play like he did during the last 15 games of the season.  Hawks in six.

#4 Nashville Predators vs. #5 Detroit Red Wings

This is the 22^nd straight playoffs for the Wings, the current longest streak in sports.  After talking Alexander Radulov into returning to the NHL, this might be Nashville’s best chance to go deep in the playoffs, as Shea Weber and Ryan Suter are both free agents this summer.  Detroit is finally healthy, but must rely on Jimmy Howard in goal, who was inconsistent during the season and battled injuries the last month or so.  Detroit was great at home this season, but not so great on the road.  This will be a great series, with Nashville winning in seven.

Jobs: Part 1

Jobs

So I had my review at work this week.  It went well, but that’s not the story.  The story is that I’ve been working for the same company for fifteen years now.  I started there the day after I graduated college.

Now, before you say, “How boring,” let me explain.  It’s not like I have done the same exact thing over the last fifteen years.  I have had a wide variety of responsibilities at my current place of work and I even worked in four different buildings over the years.  But it got me thinking about two things: have any of my friends had the same job this long?

I can think of two people I know in my circle of friends who work have the same employer now as when they started their working careers.  Wait, make that three.  One, who doesn’t really like her job, one who works for the Military-Industrial complex, and one guy who I’m pretty sure is looking for a new job.

Why don’t people stay at the same jobs for a long time now?

  

Then I started to think about all of the jobs I’ve had in my life.  Now, granted, it’s been a long time since I’ve worked elsewhere and I’ve had the same boss for the last fifteen years, but I did get a variety of works experience when I was younger. 

Being a Newsie!

I was a badass on this big boy. 

I started by delivering newspapers.  My brother was a carrier for the Countryside Reminder, a weekly paper made up mostly of advertising.  He’d be on his bike and I’d be pedaling behind him on my Big Wheel (insert big wheel picture).  I was four years old.  Sadly, the Countryside Reminder ended its print run, and my brother lost his route.  As I got older, I had my own route, delivering the Weekly Advertiser, a paper I’m pretty sure every recipient immediately tossed in the garbage.   I had 120 townhouses to deliver to every Thursday before five p.m. at a rate of four cents a paper.  I earned a solid four dollars and eighty cents a week, paid bi-weekly.  It felt great to deposit nearly ten bucks in my passbook savings account every other Saturday morning.  Later on, I split a Daily Herald route with a friend.  Two days a week he’d do it alone, two days a week, I’d do it alone, and three days, the big paper days (Wednesday, Friday and Sunday) we’d both do it.  That worked well until the paper wanted its deliveries to happen before six a.m., effectively squeezing out any kids from the route.  Besides filling in for someone occasionally, I was done with the newspaper business.

In junior high I spent a lot of time doing the easiest job I ever had: babysitting.  Come play with your kids, eat your food, watch TV and get paid to do it.  Now, mind you, the kids I was babysitting were not babies or infants, but five, six and seven years old.  It was so easy.   They would tire out by eight o’clock and I’d get to watch whatever I wanted on TV and talk to my friends on the phone.  My favorite family had a stockpile of microwave popcorn and Sunny Delight always in the fridge.  On a good night, I could make ten or twelve dollars.  Sadly, that is what baby sitters earn an hour these days.  Baby sitting ended for me when high school rolled around and, well, I wanted to go out with my friends on the weekends.

I never read this book

One summer I spend time working for a temp agency.  I had some great jobs there.  I worked moving furniture at a tent sale for a furniture rental company.  It wasn’t too bad, until the last night, when a huge storm rolled in overnight and the parking lot where the tent was set up flooded.  We came in the next morning and had to clean up the mess while loading these wet couches and arm chairs into trailers so they could move on to the next sale.  Great times.

Other jobs that summer included working at a warehouse stacking box displays for shipment to Borders and Barnes and Noble.  I never hated Tom Clancy until seeing the cover of "Debt of Honor."  I touched at least  five  thousand copies of that book in a single day.  Plus, if we set the display up incorrectly, we had to start over.  I was also one of the few English speakers at this job.  I learned lots of Spanish curse words.

Worst Job

Imagine this filled with rolls of paper instead of the Ark of the Covenant

I once worked in a paper warehouse sweeping.  That’s all I did.  From three o’clock to seven o’clock I manned a giant push broom, like they use to clean up a gymnasium floor, and swept the warehouse, starting on one end, weaving up and down the aisles and slowly working my way to the other end.  It took the entire week to do the whole warehouse.  The next week, it started all over again.  Oh my god, was it boring. Remember the closing scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark when the ark is stored away in the never ending warehouse?  That’s what this was like.  I wasn’t allowed to use headphones because the operators were out on bobcats, stacking rolls of paper, loading and unloading trucks.  What kept me going is they promised me I’d get to run the washer, a ride on sweeper they used once a month to wash the floor, the next time they needed a wash.  A few days later I came in and one of the operators was on the washer.  That was my last day there.

Look for Jobs Part 2: Coming soon...

Thanks for reading!

What did they say?

When you are a kid, you are always learning language, how to use words, what words to use when.  I stare in amazement at my kids as the struggle to find the right word. Sometimes, they come up with their own words  As a kid, I had some of my own words, including “butch car,”and "aach."

My kids are no different.  One of the most interesting aspects of being a parent is trying to figure out what they are trying to say when they come up with new words and prhases.  Some are simple.  I know when my daughter asks for bonilla, she is looking for a bowl of her favorite ice cream flavor, vanilla.  Below, I present for you words and phrases my children use, their definition and a sentence including their usage.  And, no , this is totally not a rip off of Bill Cosby’s Kids say the darndest things.  But, hey, pudding pops for everyone!

Word/Phrase: On this day

Meaning: Today.

Example:  Daddy, on this day do you have to go to work or are you staying home.

Word/Phrase: On that day

Meaning: Any day that is not today, either in the past or in the future. 

Example: Mommy, on that day, is Mimi coming to visit us?  Or Mommy, on that day, when I was a baby, we went swimming in a pool.

Word/Phrase: On the next day

Meaning: Tomorrow

Example: On the next day can we watch Yo Gabba Gabba?

Word/Phrase: Sorry

Meaning: A word used to end a disciplinary action by the person saying, regardless of whether the action is actually completed by the person giving the disciplinary action.

Example: Me (to my daughter):We do not hit people.  You wouldn’t like getting hit, would you?
My daughter (to me) Sorry, daddy.  (My daughter then runs out of the room laughing.)

Word/Phrase: Butch car

Meaning: any car of late sixties / early seventies vintage that is red and has a black convertible top, most likely to be a Pontiac GTO.

Example: Why do the Henderson’s keep their butch car in the garage under all of those boxes?

Word/Phrase: Bitamins

Meaning: These things, overwhelming in the shape of Flintstones characters, that are full of vitamins and given to children daily.

Example: My Daughter(to me): Daddy, I want my bitamin.  Me: You had it already today. My Daughter: I want another bitamin.

Word/Phrase: Batmanmobile

Meaning: Batman’s car.  Not to be confused with the batmobile, which is Bat’s car.

Example: Daddy, look a Lego batmanmobile.

Word/Phrase: Womancat

Meaning: One of Batman’s arch villains. 

Example: Womancat is often chased by the batmanmobile.

Word/Phrase: Bonzani 

Meaning: A vehicle that runs on an ice rink between periods smoothing out the ice. 

Example: Dad, I want to drive the bonzani. 

Word: Mike 

Meaning: what my daughter calls me sometimes instead of Daddy.  Jesus, not even three and she is mocking me by calling me by my first name.  At least she isn’t calling me Mikey or Michael.

There's more but I'll save those for another post.  Hopefully this will help you all understand my children if they are ever speaking to you.

Thanks for reading.

 

To My Friends Who Got Married and Had Children Before I Did

Dear Friends who had Children before me,

Let me start off by apologizing to you.  It’s not that I expect for us to remain friends forever, or that we’d hang out and do dumb things like we did in high school and college years after we’d finished school.  I know we wouldn’t be going to trivia night at BW-3 on Wednesday for the rest of our lives.  I should have known when you got married and stayed in the suburbs, or moved to the suburbs in some cases, that we were on a different schedule, that we had different paths.  I still valued you as a friend, but it was hard to hang out.  I lived and worked in the city and you lived and worked in the suburbs.  And you went to bed early.  I mean really early, on every night of the week.  What’s up with that?  Seriously, at nine o’clock one Tuesday night you shooed me off the phone because it was bed time.  I was just sitting down to dinner.  So I stopped calling so much.  So did you.  And that was okay.  Until THEY came along and it was over.

Not that I was ever against children or having them.  I always figured I’d have some kids of my own but I was sure not ready when I was twenty-five to be in charge of any living thing.   If you don’t believe me, ask my cat from those years (which you can’t do because a) he’s dead, and b) he’d bite your face off because he was a little bastard).  I mean, if there were ever groceries in my refrigerator, they were probably old.  And there was that summer that every weekend I’d jump on my bike and go ride seventy miles each day.  You couldn’t do that.  You had kids.

And you couldn’t talk about anything but your kids.  If we were talking about the Cubs, you’d talk about the pink Cubs onesie your wife’s aunt had bought for you daughter.  If I talked about anything that was on TV past eight o’clock, you looked at me like I was on the moon.  If I let you talk, I heard incessant stories about what Joey or Amber or Caitlyn, Or Kaitlin, or Catylyn had for dinner, or how much she weighed, or how many words she knew.  In fact, you could talk about nothing but your children.  Ever.  And I listened, I just didn’t understand it.  So we stopped talking.  You had another kid.  I had another drink.

Then a few years later I got married and my son was born.  Two years later my daughter came along.  My life changed, I stayed home more, went to bed earlier (not at nine o’clock much) and there was no sleeping in on weekends.  Then, one day, it hit me.  I was at work, talking to a single co-worker who was  twenty four.  And I was telling a story about my son’s preschool play, and how he likes to sing the words to Foo Fighters songs and this guy was giving me a blank stare, like I was from the moon.  And it hit me.

I had become just like you, like anyone who has children.  I was incapable of talking about anything but my children.  And I understood why.

It’s not that I don’t have other interests, or like to read, or see movies or watch the Blackhawks anymore.  But when you have children, especially young children, they ARE your entire life.  You talk about them because that is all you do.  Okay, some people still work but who wants to talk about work.  So you talk about your kids, the things they do, how they used to say “Dummy,” every time they saw a picture of George Bush, or that their favorite show is Yo Gabba Gabba.  In fact, that’s pretty much the only show you get to watch.  And you go to Disney on Ice and read “Goodnight Moon” and “The Little Red Caboose,” which I can recite from memory.  You’d love to talk about other things, but your children are you entire world.  They are your everything.  They absorb every minute of your life, some are wonderful, some are hard, some, especially anytime the get sick in the middle of the night and throw up all over and you are on the third load of laundry and its four am and there is not a clean sheet anywhere in the house, at five am your alarm is going to go off and you are going to have to figure out how to drag your ass through a ten hour work day then come home and do it all over again, are exhausting. 

But I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

So, I’m sorry, friends of mine who had children before I did.  Thanks for inviting me to birthday parties, even though I snuck out as soon as I could since I was the only single person there.  I still want to be friends, and now we can trade stories about our children.

What?  Your first born is fifteen now?  In high school?  Learning how to drive.  Wow that was fast.  Mine are still newborns.  No wait, almost five and almost three.

Where does the time go?

 Thanks for reading.

-M